Reasons of the Heart
by Singtoangels1
Summary: After Flooded, Buffy asks Spike to take her to see Angel... please R


Title: Reasons of the Heart  
  
Authouress: Sing To Angels  
  
Disclaimers: Joss, Grr argh, and all those other people own BtVS, I own nothing. I just wanted to take my favourites out for a little spin, so I hope they don't mind. :)  
  
Authour's notes: Ok guys, this is my very first BtVS fic. I've written fic before, but not Buffy. I just got into Buffy last season. But I've read transcripts and stuff, so I know what happened before I started watching and everything. I used a lot of British slang and stuff here, so if you don't know what a word or phrase means, just mail me and I'll tell you ok?  
  
Spoilers: Pretty much everything through "Flooded". This story starts at the end of that show.  
  
Big thanks: I give big thanks to Pandora North Star and Keren, who Beta read this for me. And to my cousin, the Lizard, for helping with some spelling mistakes and other things I screwed up on in the first draft. You guys are the best!  
  
Feedback: I need it, I want it, I want some more of it! (Also, constructive criticism is a nice thing too.) Flamers can go to... well, that place where there are other flames; which is either a coffeeshop or the place where that red guy with the pointy stick thing lives. :)  
  
The heart has reasons that reason knows nothing of....  
  
---Blaise Pascal  
  
Buffy walked down the road, aimlessly heading towards the cemetery. She had a small overnight bag with one white sneaker peaking out, flung over one shoulder. Buffy couldn't really focus on anything very well, trying not to think as she put one foot in front of the other. Angel... Damn! Thoughts were creeping in anyway.  
  
Angel was heading towards a small town, half way between Sunnydale and Los Angeles, City of Angels, or rather, City of Angel. At least she didn't have to go there; so many bad memories, so many people, so much pain. Yeah, Sunnydale was bad enough without a trip to L.A to make it all... Buffy lost her train of thought as she spotted Spike heading towards his crypt.  
  
She got a little closer to the crypt before she stopped to hail him, but that wasn't necessary because he turned around as if he sensed her presence.  
  
" 'ey Slayer, what are you doing here? Thought you was goin' to bed, love." Spike stopped and looked at her, his heart in his eyes.  
  
Buffy had the feeling that when he said 'love' to her, he didn't mean it as casually as it sounded. She shivered slightly and then looked at Spike sharply.  
  
"How did you know that I was going to bed?"  
  
Spike shrugged casually and grinned foolishly, "Well that is where you were headed when I left your house, Slayer." Buffy rolled her eyes, she had totally forgotten that he had just been at her house. "Now, Slayer, what is it you want?"  
  
Buffy held her breath and then expelled it with words, "Angel called me." She started walking closer to Spike, "He wants me to meet him somewhere. I- I," she looked down, "I don't have a car and Xander has to work so I was hoping..." Buffy trailed off, unable to continue as the buttons on Spike's jacket caught her attention.  
  
He looked down at his jacket to see what was so interesting, and then looked back up into Buffy's face.  
  
"Well, you can borrow my bike if you want. I'll show you how to ride it and all," he started to turn around and walk towards his crypt, "I'd better put some brake fluid in it first, wouldn't do for you to ha....."  
  
Buffy put a hand on his sleeve to stop him from going anywhere.  
  
"I was hoping that you would take me."  
  
Suffice it to say, Spike was rather taken back by this. He looked down, trying to hide the anger he felt bubbling up within him. 'Steady now, mate. Don't want for her to blow a gasket and kick the ever living shit out o' you.'  
  
"What's this now? You want me to take you to see the ol' Grand-poofter?"  
  
He looked up and saw the small, blank frown that Buffy aimed at him.  
  
"Right, well, sorry love, forgot that he is your, eh, well, love and all."  
  
Spike sighed and shuffled his feet, "Yeah, of course I'll take you to see him."  
  
He looked down, saddened by the prospect of actually having to witness their happy reunion. Still looking down, Spike asked, "When did you want to leave?"  
  
Buffy looked up at the sky, seeing that it was about an hour till dawn. Later than she had thought.  
  
"Well, I'm supposed to meet him tomorrow evening, around eight or so. I told Giles and Dawn that I was leaving tonight, but I guess that's not happenin'. I'd better go back home. We can leave tomorrow as soon as it gets dark." Buffy turned to leave but Spike stopped her.  
  
"Buffy." She stopped to look at him. Spike stood there, afraid of the rejection that he was sure to get.  
  
"You could always... stay the night here." Buffy looked at him strangely and he hastened to assure her. "I won't touch you, I promise. Y- you don't even have to look at me if you don't want, I can sleep in the other room. You'll be safe, and maybe you can get a little more a' that alone time you're always looking for."  
  
Buffy eyebrows shot up quickly, then she tilted her head to the side and regarded Spike; he truly did seem to have her best interest at heart. Buffy nodded her head in acceptance of his offer.  
  
Seeing her nod, Spike couldn't help but to let his jaw drop ever so slightly, but he closed it quickly and then proceeded to look as pleased as he thought he could get away with. "Right then, let's get you inside. It's a bit nippy tonight and what your're wearin' don't look that warm."  
  
As if her body had just realized how cold it was, she started to shiver a little bit. Buffy stepped up the pace so that she could get inside before her nose grew an icicle on the end of it. Strange weather for southern California, especially considering that it wasn't even November yet.  
  
*****  
  
Stepping into Spike's crypt, Buffy looked around. There was a new couch, made of brown leather sitting next to the sarcophogus. Seeing her look at it, Spike piped up with an explanation. "Yeah, that's my new couch. Whad'ya think of it?" Buffy just nodded her approval and started toward it to sit down.  
  
Spike stopped her, "No, love, you can sleep downstairs on the bed. I'll take the couch up here." Seeing her hesitate, he spoke up. "Come on, you go down first and I'll bring along your bag."  
  
Buffy looked down at the cover on the floor, and lifted it up. Handing Spike her bag, she started climbing down the ladder into the room beneath. Following her down, Spike set her bag down next to the bed. Buffy was staring at the fireplace in the wall.  
  
"Oh yeah, forgot to tell you 'bout that. Nibblet made me get it 'cause she said it's too cold in here without a fire goin'."  
  
Spike smiled at Buffy as she sat down on the bed.  
  
"How did you manage to get someone to put in a fireplace all the way down here?"  
  
Spike chuckled a bit, went over to the mantle, and started to pull it away from the wall.  
  
"It isn't a real one, it just looks real. It does put out a tidy little flame though, fueled on gas you see."  
  
He pushed the fireplace back up against the wall and crouched down to turn a knob which would make the gas come out from under the little fake pile of logs. Igniting it with a flick from his Zippo, Spike got up and turned around to face Buffy.  
  
"There you are pet, that should keep you toasty an all," Spike rubbed his hands together, thinking, "Uh, the radio is here, the telly is over there if you care to watch it." Buffy just looked at him. "Right then, I'll just go back upstairs so you can be alone. If you need anythin' just give a holler and I'll...."  
  
Buffy cut him off, "Stay with me, I don't want to be alone, I just want to be quiet, and... not.. think. I don't want to think about anything right now. Especially about tomorrow, I'm not looking forward to it."  
  
Buffy wrinkled up her forehead and her small nose scrunched up slightly, as if she found that thinking was an unpleasent aroma in the air.  
  
Spike came over and sat on the bed next to Buffy. "Well, what d'you want me to do?"  
  
Buffy smiled and said, "Nothing, just help me not to think."  
  
Spike looked at her, naughty thoughts drifting through his mind. Shaking his head to clear them, he automatically dismissed them all, wanting to stay on Buffy's good side as he did now.  
  
"We could trade pointless, inane banter for awhile, but that would break the quiet part."  
  
He looked away from Buffy's face and towards her hands which were clasped together on her lap. The knuckles were lightly pink and the scars still fresh after Buffy's escape from the coffin. It seemed like an eternity ago, but just like her scars which were slow to fade, the pain from her death still lingered with Spike.  
  
Buffy, seeing the pain on his face, spoke. "What?"  
  
Looking up at her, Spike just shook his head, "Nothing love, I was just thinking of something. It isn't important."  
  
Buffy got slightly angry. Here she was, trying not to think about things that were of an emotional nature, and here was Spike, thinking. And she knew, by the look on his face that he was thinking of something all sappy and sad and... other things that she didn't normally associate with Spike. Speaking harshly, she replied, "Well, we aren't supposed to be thinking at all right now!"  
  
Startled, Spike sat back a little, quite stunned at the change in attitude, but he soon got over that. Then he got angry, it was as if she was laughing at the pain that he felt, even after all this time. But that was alright, if she wanted to play it that way, so be it.  
  
"Oh, I see. Hear now, Slayer," Spike got closer to Buffy, their faces a mere inches apart, he started yelling, "You don't own me, girl. I don't have to listen to this shite, so just sod off!"  
  
Standing up, Spike went to the ladder and started climbing to the upper level. He realized that Buffy did own him; heart, thoughts, and if he ever did have a soul she owned that too. This only made his fury more intense and he kicked the new sofa across the room.  
  
"Stupid girl, stupid...fucking...girl!" He punctuated every word with a sharp kick to the couch. Picking it up, he broke it apart and started to shred the leather into pieces.  
  
*****  
  
Buffy could hear the destruction and harsh words as the sound floated down the hole to her ears. She had been too hard on Spike, maybe he hadn't meant anything at all, perhaps he just didn't want to share his thoughts with her. Buffy started to feel guilty for being so harsh, maybe she should apologize to him. Just then, the sound of an especially nasty curse word made her rethink that. Maybe now wasn't the time for her to apologize. Deciding instead to just go to sleep, Buffy leaned back on the bed, curling up, knees to chest, and stared into the fire. She was particularly annoyed when she felt a burning in her nose which was always the precursor to saltwater leaking from her eyes.  
  
*****  
  
Spike looked around the crypt, panting with unnecessary breath, and surveyed the damage. The new couch was in ruins, bits of leather and fluff still clung to his hair and his cheeks. Guilt started to creep into his consciousness, stabbing him like a stake through the heart.  
  
"Bloody hell," he whispered softly to himself. He should apologize, maybe she would still let him take her to see Angel tomorrow night.  
  
Going down into the underground cavern, he saw Buffy, curled up on the bed. "Hey love, you alright?" Coming around to face her, he could see that her eyes were puffy from crying, but that was the only evidence left to notice, the tears themselves had long since dried.  
  
Kneeling down so that he was at eye level with her, Spike caressed her cheek with one finger. "I'm sorry, love. I asked you to come here so you could relax and collect yourself. And I--I screwed that up real good din't I?"  
  
Buffy didn't speak to him, but she felt his hand on her face and closed her eyes. His fingers were slightly calloused and the sensation made her shiver. Spike, misunderstanding, pulled his hand away.  
  
"Sorry, I forgot. Told you I wouldn't touch you."  
  
He sighed and looked down as Buffy opened her eyes, "I'll go now, let you get some sleep. If you still want me to take you to see Angel tomorrow, I will."  
  
As he was turning to leave, Buffy's arm snaked out from under the covers to grab his wrist. Spike stopped and glanced back at Buffy, waiting for her to say something.  
  
"Don't go, Spike. I have," she stopped to swallow, "Really bad dreams. And I don't want to be alone right now. You make me feel...." Buffy stopped to search for the right word, "Safe. Please stay here tonight." She looked up at him with pleading eyes.  
  
Spike let go a breath, walked to the other side of the bed and climbed in. Spooning himself behind her, he held her waist with the crook of his arm and whispered in her ear. "Don't worry love, I'll keep those nasties at bay. You just go to sleep now."  
  
Spike could feel Buffy tense up when he put his arm around her. 'Cripes, you wanker! She's gonna kill you for this one, mate. Wankers; keep that thought out of your mind, man. She really would kill you then.'  
  
Spike's thoughts raced through his mind as he lay there, tense and ready to jump off the bed when she turned around to deck him. But the blows never came, and Spike realized that she wasn't going to hit him for being so close to her. So he released the tightly coiled spring that was his body, and simply enjoyed her nearness.  
  
Buffy sighed and relaxed, closing her eyes again. Sleep came to her quickly and Spike could hear the deep, even breathing and the slow, steady beat of her heart. But he couldn't rest for the thoughts still going around in his brain. He lay there for hours until the visions turned to dreams and sleep finally visited him too.  
  
*****  
  
Buffy woke up and found that her face was pressed up against Spike's shirtfront and realized she had drooled on it. Sitting up, careful to take his arm from around her waist, she wiped off her mouth. During the day, Buffy had turned over and draped her arm over Spike and surprisingly, that didn't bother her for some reason. She had dreamed of that warm, dark place which had made her feel finished and at peace. The same place she had been after she died, Heaven if that is what it really was. There had been no nightmares of demons and vampires like there had been lately. Only peace and contentment, the feeling still lingered in her mind.  
  
Glancing at her watch, she saw that it was going to be dark in less than half an hour. "Spike, wake up," Buffy shook him slightly. He didn't move so she spoke a little louder into his ear, "Spike! Wake up!"  
  
Bolting upright, Spike looked around him wildly.  
  
"Oh Dru, sod offf...f.f.f.f."  
  
He started to fall back asleep; his chin nodding against his chest, but Buffy shook him again.  
  
"What? What's wrong?" Spike looked at Buffy with bleary eyes; his hair was tousled and lips were swollen from sleep.  
  
Buffy didn't speak for a moment, seeing Spike half awake and groggy was so.... cute; like a little boy on Saturday morning. She shook her head to clear those thoughts from her mind. This was Spike; he wasn't supposed to be cute and cuddly.  
  
"It's almost dark, we need to get ready so we can go."  
  
Spike nodded and reached into his pocket for a cigarette, but they were all crumpled and broken, completely unsmokable.  
  
"Bloody hell," he mumbled to himself. Spike stood up, yawned, stretched, and made his way to the makeshift bathroom to get dressed.  
  
Buffy decided to wear what she had on, so she brushed her hair back into a severe bun and put on her shoes. Since she opted not to put on makeup, it didn't take that long to get ready. After 20 minutes, Spike was still in the bathroom.  
  
"Come on Spike, you take longer than a woman to get ready!"  
  
Spike walked out of the bathroom then, bare chested and only wearing a pair of jeans; his hair dripping water in rivulets down his neck. Holding up his hands, Spike asked sarcastically, "Want me to go like this, or do you think you can be patient for a minute?" Buffy just nodded, somewhat dumfounded as he swaggered back into the bathroom.  
  
Five minutes later, Spike emerged once again, dressed and ready to go. He had found a somewhat viable cigarette and was puffing on it casually.  
  
"Let's go love, don't want to be late for 'ol Poofta-boy now do we?"  
  
Buffy scowled but she complied; grabbing her bag and following Spike up the ladder into the crypt above.  
  
"Here," Spike turned around and handed Buffy his leather duster, "You might want to put this on. We'll be going pretty fast and it gets colder than a witch's tit out there."  
  
Buffy just looked at him, and deadpanned, "That's not a very nice thing to say about Will and Tara."  
  
Spike blinked for a moment, and then laughed, "Guess not, eh?" Buffy chuckled too and put on the jacket as they headed out the door to where his bike was parked.  
  
*****  
  
The cool night air felt good for once as it snapped escaping strands of hair against Buffy's face. After that place where she had been, wherever that was, she had tried to avoid cold things because it hurt too much; reminded her of what she had lost.... reminded her of who she had to blame. Buffy tried to push that thought aside, her friends had been trying to help. But she knew as she felt that cold wind worm it's way under her shirt that she could never look at them the same way again; they would never be her... family like they were before.  
  
Suddenly the frosty air didn't feel so good anymore and Buffy unconsciously wrapped her arms more tightly around Spike's waist and buried her face in his back; trying to escape from the wind that pummeled her unmercifully with memories. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and she hugged Spike even tighter, trying to squeeze the thoughts from her head and praying that this ride would be over soon.  
  
*****  
  
"This is it," Buffy said as she gingerly swung one leg over the side of the motorcycle and on to the ground.  
  
"Watch the legs, love. You'll probably be a bit wobbly for a while. Just shake it off, keep walkin' an you'll be fine."  
  
They were outside of a small cafe, Angel was, presumably, waiting inside for Buffy. She started to take a purposeful stride towards the front door, but one leg had other ideas and buckled beneath her.  
  
"Whoa there, pet," Spike caught her by the arms before she fell down completely, keeping her suspended inches above the pavement.  
  
"I told you to watch the legs. They're stiff from the weather and bein' still for so long."  
  
Buffy just gave him a smirk, "Yeah I think I just figured that out on my own, oh encyclopedic one."  
  
Spike merely rolled his eyes, "Ok smarty pants, let's get you off your ass so that you don't keep Peaches waiting in there."  
  
Buffy got an evil gleam in her eye, "Let him wait for a minute."  
  
Spike started to back up, knowing she was up to something he didn't think he wanted a part of. Buffy suddenly flipped Spike by using her arms as leverage until he was lying flat on his back in the street. Then she jumped up and straddled him, her knees keeping his arms effectively pinned at his side.  
  
Spike groaned, "Bloody Hell, Slayer! Whad'ya do that for, eh?" He tried to reach up his hands and rub the back of his head where it had hit the asphalt but he couldn't move them.  
  
Buffy smiled in triumph, "Got you!" She laughed, enjoying the look on Spike's face. "And now that I have you like this, I can test out something that I've always wondered about. If it works, I might even be able to use it for slaying vamps."  
  
Spike suddenly tensed up, afraid of what was going to come next, "What are you going to do to me?"  
  
Buffy looked down at him for a second, he actually looked fearful, "Nothing but this." She took her hands and made them into claws above his chest, growling slightly.  
  
"Grr... argh!"  
  
Spike closed his eyes and swallowed, waiting for her to rip out his heart with one swift motion. Instead, he almost choked when she started tickling his ribs instead. Convulsing wildly, he tried to throw Buffy off but she just held on and continued tickling him unmercifully.  
  
"Slayeeeerrrrr...heehee....stop...up.....hehee....quit....heheheee....I'm seriousssssss....hehe...."  
  
Buffy stopped tickling and looked closely at him, "You laugh like a girl."  
  
Spike looked slightly hurt, " 'ey, do not! No! Don't! I can't.....heheheee....I can't take anymore....heheheheee....'ey, said stop....hehee....give a bloke a chance to catch 'is breath why don't you?"  
  
Buffy jumped up and held out her hand to help him up, "You don't breathe."  
  
Spike rubbed his sides, which still vibrated from her attack.  
  
"Not fair you know, gettin' a fellow when he is down like that," he pouted.  
  
"Awww... poor big bad," Buffy mockingly soothed as she reached out and tweaked his out thrust lower lip.  
  
"Grrrr..." Spike threatened as he playfully tried to nip her retreating fingers.  
  
Buffy laughed and wagged a finger at him, "Bad Spike, no doughnut."  
  
"Well, can I have a flowerin' onion instead? Like those much better."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes at him and then the smile faded from her lips as she looked at the door to the cafe once more. Sighing, she squared her shoulders, "Well, I guess that it is now or never, huh?"  
  
Spike patted her on the back reassuringly. "Don't let 'im get to ya, love. He has your heart, but that doesn't mean that you have to go and be all mopey like him, eh?"  
  
Buffy looked up at Spike curiously, and then leaned into his arm; wrapping it around her loosely.  
  
"I know, keep my spirits up right?"  
  
Spike almost jumped out of his skin when she let him embrace her, or embraced her for him; however that had just worked itself out so that she was in his arms. If he didn't get her away from him, he might just toss her over his shoulder and say piss on Soul-boy. Although he would like nothing better, Spike told himself that this was for the best; maybe Buffy and Angel would rekindle the flame and she could be happy for a little while. And on that day, Spike would stake himself, or at least wish he was staked. Hey, maybe Nibblet would take pity on the love-sick vampire and do it for him. Bloody hell, now he sounded all soft and poofy like his damn poof of a poofin' sire. Buffy's a smart girl, even though Angel was always so good at gettin' the girls and all. And here he was, wishing Buffy luck in finding happiness with him of all people! Gaw, I am gettin' soft now.  
  
Spike sighed and pulled his arm away from Buffy. "Alright, get out of here, woman. Go inside so you can talk to Grand-Poof."  
  
Buffy was slightly startled, but she nodded and started to go inside.  
  
Spike turned around and straddled the motorcycle, "I'm going to go and get a pack of smokes. I'll be back in a few minutes and wait out here till you're done. Take as long as you want."  
  
Buffy smiled as Spike revved up the engine and the night swallowed up the sight of him as he took off down the street.  
  
*****  
  
The cafe was small and quiet, out of the way of the mainstream and only had a few customers lingering over their tea and conversations before going home for the night. Buffy glanced at a clock on the wall and saw that it was a little past eight-thirty. Damn, she was late. Resigning herself to that, she shrugged and looked for the corner booth where Angel said he would meet her. There he was, warming his hands around a cup of coffee. Buffy strode over to the cozy booth and took the seat opposite from him.  
  
Angel looked up from the coffee he had been brooding into. His heart stopped, they had been right. Buffy was alive. It had occurred to him that they could have been fooled by a demon masquerading as Buffy, or any number of other things, but once he sniffed the air he could tell that it really was her. It was her essence, the aroma of her blood. Something wasn't right though, she smelled like someone else as well, someone familiar but he couldn't place who it was, it made him uneasy.  
  
Staring at her, Angel waited for her to speak. An awkward silence ensued, Buffy looked down uncomfortably and tapped her fingers on the table. The sound was jarring to her ears so she stopped and looked up at Angel. He was still staring at her, not speaking. Buffy looked down again and started to fiddle with the sleeve of her jacket, picking at one well worn cuff.  
  
Angel's attention was suddenly drawn to the jacket, the duster to be exact, leather duster. His nostrils flared, "Spike!" Angel ground out between his teeth.  
  
Buffy's head snapped up, "What?" Angel grabbed her arm, holding it tightly so she couldn't move.  
  
"Where is he? Why are you wearing his coat?"  
  
Opening her mouth several times to speak, Buffy finally got out the words.  
  
"It was cold so he let me wear it on the ride here."  
  
"He's here?" Angel said, disbelieving.  
  
Buffy nodded her head, "Yes, he's waiting for me outside so we can go home after I'm done with you." She didn't think about how what she just said had sounded; like Buffy's home was Spike's home as well.  
  
"He's done this! What spell has he cast on you?" Angel spit out, "Because you smell like him, he's all over you."  
  
Buffy stared, uncomprehending at the jealous vampire in front of her. "What?! Spike hasn't cast any spell on me. I'm still me."  
  
Angel jumped out of his seat and pulled Buffy up roughly, seething with anger.  
  
"The Buffy I know would never associate with the likes of him!"  
  
He shook Buffy until her teeth rattled in her head. She shrugged out of Angel's brutal grip and thrust him away from her. People were staring.  
  
"What is wrong with you, Angel?" Buffy looked up into his face which was looming above her menacingly. 'What is wrong with him?' Buffy wondered silently to herself.  
  
"Of course I've changed, of course I'm not the same Buffy you knew - I died. Spike has changed too, he's... one of the gang now."  
  
Angel sneered, "Spike doesn't change, he can't, he doesn't have a soul remember? Or did he miraculously gain one somewhere along the way? Are they giving away souls when you buy a Slurpee at the 7-11 now?"  
  
Buffy slapped him hard across the face. Angel's head snapped to the side and he remained that way, his eyes closed to hide their golden nature.  
  
"I would think that you would trust my judgment a little better than that, Angel," Buffy said as she turned around and started to walk away from him. It was as if she was no longer dealing with the Angel she had known for so long; he was acting more like Angelus than a vampire with a soul.  
  
She stopped and turned her head to one side, not looking at him, "But then again I guess not, seeing as how I dated you. Stay away from me and mine, that includes Spike." Her voice dripped with venom as she stalked out of the cafe and across the street to where Spike had parked his bike.  
  
*****  
  
Spike lounged on the seat of his motorcycle, passing the time by smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings in the dark, frosty air. Suddenly, he heard a door slam loudly, shattering glass. Looking up, Spike saw the petite form of his favorite slayer striding towards him with murder in her eyes. Near panic, he prayed that it wasn't he who had made her so angry.  
  
Stepping onto the curb, Buffy climbed up onto the bike behind Spike and said coldly, "Let's go."  
  
Turning around to look at her, he could see the pain in her eyes which she was trying to hide. Knitting his brows in anger, Spike growled, "What did that nancy boy do to you? I'll rip his head off, I will! Right now!" He started to get off of the motorcycle, wanting to go pound some flesh, but he felt a small hand holding him to his seat.  
  
Buffy jumped down off of the bike and went around to look at Spike. "Look, I've kind of had enough of male ooga-booga tonight. Can we just go home now, please?"  
  
He looked down into her pleading eyes and melted.  
  
"What happened, love? What did he say to you?" Spike asked, taking her small, well shaped hands in his own.  
  
Buffy looked down at their hands, noticing the matching scars on their knuckles. "He just...," Buffy felt her nose burning again, damn it! She took a breath, trying to control the tears which were quickly drowning her vocal cords.  
  
"He just doesn't understand me anymore, him, of all people! He refuses to believe I'm Buffy. Nobody understands me anymore, not even my friends."  
  
A tear escaped and made its way down her cheek and over her lips to splash quietly on their clasped hands. Spike felt the wet drop on the back of his hand, and before he thought about what he was doing, he pulled Buffy into an embrace; wrapping his long arms around her small form and letting her cry out her sadness and frustration for as long as she wanted to. Spike rested his cheek on the top of her head and ran his hands up and down her back, "Shhh....c'mere pet, cry it out. I won't tell anyone."  
  
He closed his eyes in pain as she sobbed harder and harder. She was starting to break, Spike knew it deep down inside. Buffy was cracking from the stress of the last few weeks, and he could do nothing to stop it, nothing to ease her pain.  
  
Snapping open his eyes, Spike could sense his Grandsire's presence near them.  
  
"Why don't you just leave 'er alone, mate? You've caused enough damage for one night."  
  
He could feel Buffy clutch at him more desperately when she realized that Angel was there, she didn't want to see him. Pressing her face deeper into Spike's shirt, she turned her head away from him.  
  
Angel wasn't easily thrown off however. "What kind of game is this?" he thundered at Spike.  
  
Spike grit his teeth together until he thought they would shatter and he turned his head away.  
  
"It isn't a game," he spit out, "I'm through with all that shite. Never really did make me happy anyway, at least not deep inside which is where it counts."  
  
Spike gathered the Slayer more closely to him and held on as if she was about to be ripped away from him. For some reason, the girl came to him for comfort and he was going to give it to her, come Hell or Angel.  
  
"I don't believe you, this stupid...," Angel searched for a word, "farce is over now, before you hurt her even more."  
  
Spike laughed, "Who do you think your kiddin', mate? I'm not the one she's hiding from right now. You are."  
  
Angel's face fell as this sunk in. He was right, she was hiding from him, seeking comfort from Spike of all people.  
  
"You had your chance, and you left her for the bloody wolves!" Spike cried fiercely as he looked up, making Angel take a step back upon seeing the pain on his face.  
  
"You could have stayed, and made her happy, even if it wasn't a normal life. Buffy isn't normal if you hadn't noticed, and she never will be. She may want ordinary things, but she is extraordinary. And you think you are selfless and sacrificing?" Spike laughed with contempt, "You're a selfish and cold-hearted bastard, and I wish that I could stake you, but I can't. I know that Buffy still loves you and I would stake myself if I caused her more pain and heartache, and that is what would happen if I killed you. So I'll let you live for now, go on and brood in some dark corner you mopey fop. And know this," Spike paused, seeing that Angel was silent, entranced by his every word, "know that if she ever changes her mind, ever decides that she doesn't give a flyin' fuck for ya, and I'm there, I'll be coming for you, mate, and you may be stronger and older than I am, but I'll get you just the same, don't you doubt I will."  
  
Angel couldn't move, he simply stared at Buffy's small, huddled form being held gently, but with protective force by Spike. She had stopped crying apparently and was listening to every word with keen attention.  
  
"You have changed," Angel said softly, "Who cursed you?"  
  
Spike smiled and looked down at the precious soul who still had him in her tight and desperate embrace, listening to every word he was saying.  
  
"I wasn't cursed, I was blessed. She may never love me back, but she doesn't have to because when I finally die and go to Hell, I'll have these memories of her to keep me from dwelling too much on the torment." Spike looked thoughtful for a moment, "So I guess you could say she's done enough for me already."  
  
Buffy felt guilt and amazement both spring up in her at the same time. She had doubted Spike's insincerity less and less over the last few weeks as she had learned what he had done for her loved ones after she was gone. But now, there was no doubt left in her mind that Spike loved her with everything that he had, even if that didn't include a soul. Buffy felt the tears come to her again as she remembered how cruelly she had treated him and she felt unworthy of such an all consuming and never ending love. Spike was right, if Angel had ever loved her, he never would have left, he would have known her better than to have thought that was what she truly wanted, deep inside. Or perhaps he was just too much of a coward to ever try and fight for her, for them.  
  
Pulling away from Spike, she looked up into his face and she felt the love he sent her, as if it was what he was made of. She stopped fighting. Laying down her weapons of stinging rebuffs and cruel actions, Buffy reached up and cupped his face in her hand. Spike looked almost frightened as she brought his face down near her's and lightly swept her lips across his. She tried to tell him with her eyes that she doubted him no more; that she trusted him more than anyone else.  
  
Spike wrapped his hands around her waist and pulled her closer to him, touching her forehead to his and closing his eyes in contentment at her simple act of acceptance.  
  
*****  
  
Angel didn't know what to say or do. He couldn't stop staring at the deeply involved couple in front of him. It had no explanation, no logic, no reason; and yet, he found himself accepting that what he witnessed as real. There was no room in Buffy's life for him anymore; they really were finished this time and there was no going back. Sighing in resignation, he turned to leave but he felt a hand on his arm. Turning around, Buffy was looking at him with grave eyes.  
  
"Angel, go back to your life now. Pretend that I never came back, let your heart heal. I know that," Buffy paused to lick her tear-swollen lips, "I know that you still love me, and I know that our love was supposed to last a lifetime, and it did." Buffy stopped and looked up at Spike, "But I've got a new life now, I'm a new person, I'm not the same one you knew and loved. She loved you, with all her heart, but I'm not her anymore, I'm different and there is no changing that."  
  
Angel nodded, he knew that she was right. He didn't know how he would get on without being able to believe that somewhere out in that great big world, he would cross paths with his one true love, and his fantasy of a normal life with her would come true. But those were thoughts for fairy tales, and the real ones never ended happily. There was always pain.  
  
Angel looked up and saw Spike regarding him warily.  
  
"Take care of her will you? She may not be the Buffy I fell in love with, but I love her all the same."  
  
Spike nodded readily, "With my every drop of blood, mate."  
  
Angel nodded back to Spike, their uneasy truce singing in his ears. He had no choice really but to trust Spike and hope that he really had changed. Only time would tell, and he had plenty of that. Turning his back on the pair, Angel walked down the street and into the darkness.  
  
*****  
  
Buffy turned around to see Spike staring at her with awe in his eyes.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You. I don't want to stop looking at you, I'm afraid you'll disappear."  
  
Buffy smiled, "I'm not planning on going anywhere just yet, Spike."  
  
Looking up into his huge, blue eyes, Buffy felt all of her pain from being back on Earth melt away. There was no reason; no logic for the way she felt. A vampire with no soul and a Slayer who wished that her's was far from her body. But when she kissed him for really the first time, she found a new kind of Heaven; which was just as warm and peaceful as the one she had left behind. And when he kissed her back, she felt complete again. 


End file.
